Gimme Back My Leprechaun

Have you ever had one of those days…

…where you finally become fully conscious and aware of how terribly fucked up you’ve made your life? Of how much of a clusterfuck you’ve turned everything you are into?

Because I’ve had one of those days every day for the past week. I’ve made so many mistakes over the past four years, and none of them can ever be undone. And that’s, possibly above everything else, what makes me wish I could turn back the clock, even though I know I damn well can’t.

There are times when it’s hard for me to even comprehend the scope of what I’ve done to my life. And when you look at it, I’m the only one to blame. Everything that’s been done to me by others, I could have prevented, I could have seen happening in advance. But I didn’t.

And now? Now, at 25, I’m homeless, sleeping in churches, and spending my days in one of three libraries in my county. Come May, if I don’t have a job and a place to live, I’ll be forced to pitch a tent somewhere. That’s something I haven’t told anyone yet, because I don’t want to worry them. But at the same time, I feel like I’m ignoring it, like if I don’t notice it, it’ll go away, it won’t happen. But that’s bullshit, and I know it.

I have no idea what I’m going to do. I feel as though I’ve got nothing to stand on, and what little resources I’ve been relying on will be gone soon enough. What then? What will I do when I don’t have a place to sleep at night? I’ve refused to ask anyone for help, and that’s not what this is. Is it pride to understand that it’ll mean nothing if I can’t do this myself? If that’s the case, then fine, call me proud. Call me egotistical. I know that I can either do this myself or I have no meaning as a person.

I’m just…I’m just rambling at this point.